Warning: this post is, like last week’s, a bit rambly and chaotic. This is a product from just writing down whatever I can think of and structuring whatever pours out of my mind isn’t all that easy, there’s a lot in it after all. My sincerest apologies.
INTJ. “The Architect”. “The Mastermind”. Supposedly that’s my Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (if you don’t exactly know what that is, quickly read up on it here). It’s the one of the rarest, because obviously I must have rare things everywhere. There’s no doubt about the I (introverted) part, I’ve always been an almost extreme case of the sort and for these past few months you could almost call me a hermit. But that’s the way I like it. It has some downsides, certainly, but all in all, I’m pretty happy. The T for thinking is definitely true as well, remember me trying to figure out what a good movie is on an objective manner for example. I’m not much of a feely person at all when it comes to decision-making. The N (Intuition) and J (Judgement) are a little bit more fuzzy, the big picture and future prospects are more important to me than whatever happens tomorrow, but there are exceptions to that from time to time. And while I do like my life structured and be on time, I try to be flexible when it comes to a lot of things. As long as I get my closure. And I do realize I can be really judgmental in the bad way, but I try to be cautious of that.
Of course, everything is a spectrum. There’s no true dichotomy. But it helps to understand the way other people think. My dad is, I’m pretty sure, the exact same type, a bit more extreme in some aspects perhaps while more moderate in others. Our biggest difference is that my dad is much more practical minded and I’m more focused on knowing things, the theory parts. We’re loners though, and admittedly sometimes difficult to handle. We value our time we give to others and really want to manage it carefully. If we think it gets wasted, we’ll stop doing it. This does mean we are rather impatient with a lot of things. If our way of being is really that rare, it explains a lot about why we actually prefer to be alone. We have almost no one like-minded to talk to, who understands completely. It’s not easy trying to have meaningful social contact for us, because we desire little of it in the first place, and we get annoyed by others rather easily. It’s a complicated thing really, and to me it feels like I’m a collection of contradictions. Hell, I’m writing all this on the internet for everyone to read, and yet I’m a rather private person. I can’t really give that many other examples since this is mostly something that I feel and can’t quite put my finger on it. Which as an INTJ, and a writer, is really frustrating too. Sites about the type give examples like “natural leaders, but prefer to be on the background”. I don’t know if I would be a fine leader, but definitely wouldn’t want to do it in the spotlight. In any case, we don’t stop thinking, ever. We’re cast as the villains and misunderstood heroes, and I absolutely love that role. We’re fiercely independent, and there’s very little to what or who we want to be beholden to, though that does have its downsides. My parents got divorced when I was six or seven maybe, my surviving brother was ten years older, so I was pretty much raised as a single child in a completely broken family. I survived those ‘ordeals’ because I preferred to be left to my own devices and had the best grandfather ever. In turn, it probably locked in that “I’m on my own” thing pretty good. I still prefer it that way, no ties, no responsibilities to anyone but myself, but it’s sometimes hard for me to remember that I’m actually not alone, and I’m not always so eager to actually call for help when I could use it, and when I actually do ask for it, I’m never sure how to do so. I’ve had my ups and downs, but I got through, mostly on my own, but with the aid of people who probably didn’t even realize they were helping.
I don’t have a lot in my life, which is fine, because it’s partially how I want it to be (though part of it lays in the circumstances as well), but it also means I will choose carefully what I want in it. I don’t have a lot of friends, even fewer who I regularly talk to. So if I don’t find (or want to find) meaning in my social life, what else is there? What about jobs? I don’t want the only thing left in which I could have some meaning be something pointless. Pointless in a way to me personally, more so than to the world because if the world doesn’t owe me anything, I don’t owe it anything either (probably an independence thing again). To some I might seem lazy, not wanting to work, but that’s pretty far from the truth. I just don’t want to do something I don’t want to do, that I think is irrelevant. Put me on something I actually do enjoy, and you’ll have your perfect results in a short amount of time. I’m a sprinter when it comes to doing my work. This blog is something like that, short intense bursts of writing, only hampered by the relatively small amount of time I do have to produce these things and think things over. The blog gives information, insight and hopefully some entertainment in my short stories. I like doing it, I learn somethings myself while doing the research, it gives me SOME purpose at least, and I haven’t heard many negative comments about it yet. But put me in a cubicle with other drones crunching numbers all day and I will wither away faster than a slug in salt. I’m lucky that I’m in a situation where I don’t NEED a job, I know that perfectly well. And maybe I’m not grateful for it enough. I do get my unemployment benefit, because it’s my right. But if that stops coming for some reason? So be it. I’m not interested in money that much. If I wasn’t so obsessed with Lego, I would spend almost no money at all apart from food and utilities. And books, of course. Maybe some shiny DVD’s too.
I said that, if the world doesn’t owe me anything, I don’t owe anything to it. Which doesn’t mean I don’t want give it something. I think I’m a kind man, in my own way, though I hate the world and what it is. I hate the uncaring and hatred that is rampant right now. But it doesn’t mean I have to be the same. It’s maybe only a few handful people, but I care deeply for them. Though I have to admit, that little band of close friends has become even smaller, which I’m really sad about. Disappointed even, because I don’t like to be wrong. I always thought that I was good at finding the few people worth my time, and who would continue to be worth my time. For the first part, I’ve never been wrong about someone, less so for the second. And it hurts, because I was wrong, but also because, in a way, I lost someone. I don’t regret the energy I spent on them, there probably was a reason why I did that and I wasn’t wrong about them being worth my time, but at some point something changed and the energy I put in those just got wasted. In some cases I kept trying to reignite that flame, but I had to face the fact that if it quickly died again after the reignition, I should just stop bothering. So I did. And that’s how my inner circle got even smaller. So the worst thing you could say to me is “Hey, I missed you” or “Hey, we should talk more often.” I probably tried that a few times. It’s not up to me anymore. I am where I’ve always been. You come to me now if you really care. It sounds sad, but you know, I am happy. Really am. Less is more. I do my thing, they do theirs, and if the roads no longer meet, so be it. I used to say that with rancor, cursing their betrayal of my trust and effort. Maybe it’s growing up, maybe it’s being tired of trying, maybe it’s something else. I only know that it’s how it is, and I’m at peace with it now. Cynicism is part of being an INTJ after all.
There’s one big part about being an INTJ that makes me pretty sure I actually am one. There’s a quote from Harlan Ellison: “You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant” which I think is the best philosophical quote in existence. This post-truth reality that we seem to be in now is absolutely horrifying to me. Everyone has a strong opinion about the most stupid things like who needs to win a game show but don’t have an actual opinion on things that do matter, like, hey, guess what, politics gets mentioned again. Realities where the facts don’t matter but just the volume at which you spout your nonsense, it’s the worst. This is why I really should stop reading Facebook or YouTube comments. It all comes down to a lack of knowledge. Now, I know that you can’t know everything, but you don’t need to have an opinion on everything either. But when you have to decide on the future of your country with potentially severe repercussions all over, do try to know what it is about. The younger people got screwed over with Brexit, and who knows what Trump will actually mean in the Divided States of America starting next year. The whole election was a travesty, leaving almost no one happy. Just because they had two ugly heads and the one spoke louder than the other. Anyway, this should not be about that, but about knowledge. If you do want to bring in your two cents on a particular topic, please know what you’re actually talking about. I don’t bother with religious nuts or climate change deniers anymore because no matter what evidence you provide, they’ll just ignore it. Ignorance is not bliss, it’s the death of reasonable dialogue.
So, I don’t go out, because I don’t feel like. I don’t have a job, because I don’t get offered a position that would fit me. It means I have a lot of free time on my hands, but yet I’m never bored. It’s because I have access to the internet, the ultimate library. I like knowing things. Information. Ideas old and new. This blog allows me to actually share what I find, in addition to what those other weird parts of my brain can cook up. Not that I’m actually that good at quizzes, because I don’t give a rats ass about a lot of subjects like sports which is always a part of things. And who cares what the number of that one flight who crashed 25 years ago was. Then again, if you can sum up half the cast of every movie you’ve seen, maybe you’re not the authority on saying what’s important to know. Not that I do claim that movie knowledge IS important, it’s just important to me. Still, not everything is as how I would want it to be. I like being alone, but that’s different from being lonely. Since I have so little people to start with, whenever someone just ‘forgets’ about me, it doesn’t leave me with that many alternatives. In addition, most of my best friends live on the other side of country. It’s two to three hours by train, one way, which is something I’m really reluctant to do again. It stings sometimes to see other people meet up and I can’t get there easily to join up, but on the other hand, most of those gatherings really aren’t my cup of tea. Look at this post for example, I’m two and a half full pages in. That kind of length is not something you will ever hear me fill in real life unless you’re talking about movies. I’m a writer, not a speaker. In Facebook chat I can fill a whole day with talking, but face to face, more often than not, I just shut down like a deer staring into a headlight. The more people present, the deeper the sort of fugue state. So why would I bother spending more time travelling to a place where I gain nothing? So I started to become much more selective to what events I want to go, adding to my isolationism. But again, I’m happier for it. Like The Oatmeal can tell you in his own peculiar way: J.O.M.O., the Joy of Missing Out. It’s the ones who appreciate my efforts getting somewhere who get to see that effort done. It’s not because I have a lot of free time, that it isn’t worth anything. And being the rebel that I am, if you tell me to get out of my shell and see the world, I’ll only crawl in deeper. Social contact is just really not my thing and a big part of why I’m so into pets. Everything’s so much simpler with them and there are no diminished returns. They don’t need to hear how your day has been, but if you tell them anyway, they won’t mind. Just give them food and they’ll think you god (well, except cats of course). Their love isn’t noisy, it isn’t complicated. It’s quiet, soft and warm.
I look rigid, cold, stoic, like I have a stick up my butt. And I get that, more than I used to. I don’t try fight that image anymore because, well… I don’t care anymore if people think I am all those things. That wall around the inner me used to be to protect my fragile psyche, to shield me from hurt. That, of course, didn’t work. It only got me slightly depressed. Then university came and I opened up, a lot which was definitely for the better. Now that I’ve fallen in that black hole of post-studies, the wall is mostly up again, same kind of bricks, but a different layout and purpose. There’s entrances for most people to walk into, but I don’t invite anyone anymore to come and visit, and definitely not to stay. A few regular visitors have access to a backroom, the inner sanctum, where they are free to come and go and stay for however long they want, but I upped the amount of security on the door to that room. I’ve tried to make the place more comfortable than it used to be, so it would actually be a room you wanted to stay at, but if you leave the sanctum, it’ll be harder to get back in again. Not because I’m mad or anything, I just want to make sure there’s not too much of a draft all the time for the people who do stay. And if you need anything, you’ll probably find me in the library next door.
Lengthy-ish as this post is, it’s obviously not all what I am. You can always ask me a certain question that you’re curious about, and I’ll answer if I can. Just remember that social interaction doesn’t come that easily to me if you’re a complete stranger, though I have no issues with typing words on a screen and send it to the whole wide world. Screens don’t talk back. They don’t judge. They don’t misinterpret certain cues while I can make sure that written sentences are clear of any dubiousness, though it can still happen of course. Other than that, you can read up on pages on the INTJ personality type. And above all else, don’t take it personally if I seem distant. It’s not you, it’s me.
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